NOTE TO SELF:

Work towards your own goals. 

NEVER compare yourself to anyone else b/c you’re the only one that really matters.

Do what works for you.

Don’t get caught up in little things that don’t matter.

& lastly,

BE HAPPY.

I wonder if things will ever fix itself. Most of the time, I don’t think it ever will feel the same…which makes me sad that it had to become this way.

Some people say, that things will heal itself with time. But as my 24th birthday has passed, I have a different outlook on life. Honestly, I don’t think it’s worth holding onto some kind of hope that things will get better. Instead of clinging onto some hopeless thought, you should either face the facts and move on or work on it together.

I feel like I ask myself everyday whether or not I should just move on from this…because to be honest, I’m tired of feeling sad & wondering when things will be the same again.

So, move on & be a better, happier you

Can I please just wake up from this nightmare?

Sorry…all sad posts this week. I just need to write out what’s on my mind.

Today marked the end of our family business. 25 years…damn…we practically were born at the same time! Seeing everything go…made me really sad. At first, it wasn’t a big deal to me. Finally, my parents could relax a bit & not have such a big burden on their shoulders. But then, as people started taking things away…it’s like, pieces of me were taken away too! I grew up in that restaurant you know? Every nook and cranny of that place…there’s a memory there. Also…seeing the women in my family get all choked up about it made me sad too. Something they worked so hard on for 25 years is just gone!

I’m pretty tired of losing things this year. My dog died…I graduated & moved back home…i lost one of my closest friends…my grandpa has cancer…my parents’ business is closed forever…. It just sucks! I didn’t realize that I’ve gone through so much this year & it’s not even over yet. I just hope that God has better things in store for my family & me in the future…

But on the brighter side, I don’t think I would’ve survived this year without my friends. They’re my 2nd family & I appreciate every one of them for being there for me when life was getting too tough. I wish we were all together right now though…

selfishness vs independence

i hate being home. primarily, because of my brother. you can always count on family members to say things that cut the deepest.

lately, i’ve been hearing, you’re selfish. you think about no one but yourself…. i think he’s confusing selfishness with independence. i’ve lived on my own for 5 years already & i’ve grown and have become an independent woman. actually, i’ve been pretty independent my whole life. i remember being 6 years old and filling out my own school paperwork…never having to let my parents worry about me.

i just feel like…my relationship with my brother is hopeless. we’ve been fighting for 21 years already…& granted that it’s occurred less frequently…i feel like his comments cut deeper and deeper. it really gets to me! when i see all my friends & their relationships with their siblings, it makes me jealous! i wish i had that same relationship too, but instead, i’m stuck with someone who’s uncompromising, dependent, verbally abusive.

at the same time, i think to myself, you can’t let it get to you, BUT IT DOES. he just doesn’t understand what i have to go through. i have parents who have high expectations of me, almost 20 years of trauma that i have to face, the uncertainties of life…there’s just so much going on right now that i don’t need someone criticizing me & making me feel like shit about myself when i’m so unstable.

one day, i hope he stops being so childish & petty & learns to be more patient. because at this rate, if i have to keep dealing with stuff like this, i don’t want him as my family. harsh words but i shouldn’t have to deal with something like that…especially from family.

growing up

since being home, i’ve noticed that i talk back to my parents a lot especially when they mention my future.

i just…i just want them to trust that i’m making the right choices in my life. afterall, it IS my life. i know they have the best intentions, but if i need help, i’ll ask for it.

for example, today, my dad arranged for me to talk to a doctor about osteopathic medicine, medical school, just general advice. but i didn’t ask for it. i didn’t want to do it because i’m not sure if medicine is the right path for me.  

i just feel like…they’re forcing me to do something that i potentially might not want to do.  let me figure out my life on my own…. i’m trying to take things one step at a time & not think about it all at once. i know i’m still young…but i’ve never felt so lost in my entire life. life is just so uncertain & scary right now… i try not to think about the future.

i wish i could just tell my parents that so that they understand…but i’ve never been very good at expressing my feelings to other people…

Ending of Friendships

Today…I lost a friend. No…they didn’t die, but we just decided to end our friendship. Honestly, it felt like a breakup…even though, I’ve never experienced one before. But the sadness I felt…I imagine that that is what it feels like, but 1000x worse. Anyway, I felt like a piece of trash thrown to the side of the curb…5 years of memories and friendship tossed out as if I were nothing. I cried…for a good while bc this friend meant so much to me. After talking to my friend, I realized…why am I dwelling on this one person that I’ve lost when I’m surrounded by SO MANY other people that love me. I set out to send appreciation texts & some…I expected their response but one in particular…blew me away.

This person…I thought that they were going to be next in line of ending friendships. But what they said…was really touching…. It was so touching that it made me cry. I was so taken aback at what they said…I never expected anything from them.

Anyway, what I realized was that…I shouldn’t dwell on one lost friendship when I have so many other friends that love and care for me. Even though, I’m going to miss this person a lot…I have SO many more people that treat me better and are willing to make our friendship work.

So…thank you to all my friends! I love you all so much…you mean the world to me

It sucks to be home and awoken to your dad being really upset. I kind of forgot about all the problems that are about to arise…. Wish I was ignorant…because ignorance is bliss. If I could help my parents and take all the problems away…I would. But sometimes I feel like I give them more problems than I should.

Every night before I go to bed, I look at this picture of us and think to myself…”I’m so lucky to have met all these people and be able to call them my family”. Hopefully, in 10 years, we won’t lose touch and I’ll be proud and happy to say that I’ve known them for over a decade. My mom always said that your friends in college will be your friends forever. And moms are ALWAYS right ❤

Every night before I go to bed, I look at this picture of us and think to myself…”I’m so lucky to have met all these people and be able to call them my family”. Hopefully, in 10 years, we won’t lose touch and I’ll be proud and happy to say that I’ve known them for over a decade. My mom always said that your friends in college will be your friends forever. And moms are ALWAYS right ❤

The ending of one chapter

I’ve come to realize that I’ve been suppressing all these emotions about graduating. I just can’t believe that after 5 years, it’s almost over! Everything I’ve worked so hard for is practically coming to a close…

But the hardest thing for me to come to terms with is leaving my SD family that I’ve come to know and love these past 5 years. You know…without them, I definitely wouldn’t have become the person I am today. They have helped me foster my growth as a person and have left me with a lifetime of memories I will never forget. I think I’m most scared that if we can’t even make time for one another now, what will we do when we have hundreds of miles separating us? Ahh this is so crazy. I don’t remember being this emotional when high school graduation came around. I’ve never felt so strongly about a group of people my entire life…it’s pretty scary.

Anyway, a little more than 2 weeks til the big day! I just hope that I can keep it together by then…

Also never understood some people’s need to manipulate certain situations by making people feel bad when they choose one priority over another. It’s so fucking annoying! Of course I would rather do one thing over the other, but certain priorities I just can’t drop because you want me to.

Way to give me an ultimatum and ask me what’s worth more? My friends or some prior commitment. That’s kind of a dick move to expect me to not attend something I’ve committed myself to prior just to be with friends. Commitments are commitments & I don’t like backing out on things that I’ve already said that I would do.

Thanks for being an ass about it. I guess I’m just not like you.

Ugh the more I think about our convo, the angrier I get.

uncertainties of life

i feel like this year has been one of the toughest not only in terms of school, but also in terms of the uncertainties of the future.

today, my mom wanted me to meet one of our oldest customers/friends who works as a nurse in one of the hospitals back at home. honestly, i didn’t want to talk to her because i didn’t want someone telling me what i expected to hear. that my grades weren’t good enough. that essentially, i’m not smart enough to be where i want to be. but the conversation actually went pretty well…i was telling her about how uneasy i felt about the future & my insecurities that are making me doubt whether i want to be a doctor or not. she was actually very pleasant to talk to. she was a cute little hispanic woman telling me that anything is possible & that i have so many years ahead of me to figure out what is my passion.

she also made me realize that i’m really hard on myself. she kept asking me to tell me what i’ve been doing in school & just to tell her about myself as well as my future plans. she seemed so happy & excited when i told her what i was involved in and what i was looking to do after i graduated. although to me…my “accomplishments” seem small & insignificant, she showed me that anything that allows you to be one step closer to your goal should be considered an accomplishment.

it’s great to see someone who is so passionate about their job & i think that’s not something people see every day. to see her face light up every time she mentioned some aspect of what she does was the highlight of my day & i hope that one day, i’ll have the same passionate attitude when i tell someone about my job.

overall, even though there are so many uncertainties & unknowns ahead of me, at least i have the support of my family and people who believe in my potential. hopefully, i remember this the next time i feel stressed/uneasy about the future…

I miss him a lot. It hasn’t fully settled in my mind that he’s gone…every time I think of him, I think back to how sad he looked when he passed away…he was so cold. :((. It sucks that school is starting soon…but at least, me being busy will take my mind off of it?

Never thought I’d be starting off the new year so sad…

Today, I had to say goodbye to my best friend of 12 years.  I’m really sad that he’s gone but relieved that he’s no longer suffering.  I miss him SOOO much that it hurts. You probably think that I’m crazy but this must be what it feels like to have your heart broken. 

Lucky, I will forever cherish all the memories that we’ve had together. You’ve made me the happiest girl for 12 years of my life.  Thank you for holding on for another 2 weeks so that i could see you and spend time with you a few more times while I’ve been at home. Mommy, Daddy, Gege and I miss you already and we’ll never forget how happy you made us feel

Today, I had to say goodbye to my best friend of 12 years. I’m really sad that he’s gone but relieved that he’s no longer suffering. I miss him SOOO much that it hurts. You probably think that I’m crazy but this must be what it feels like to have your heart broken.

Lucky, I will forever cherish all the memories that we’ve had together. You’ve made me the happiest girl for 12 years of my life. Thank you for holding on for another 2 weeks so that i could see you and spend time with you a few more times while I’ve been at home. Mommy, Daddy, Gege and I miss you already and we’ll never forget how happy you made us feel

There’s so many things jumbled up in my mind right now that I can’t even think straight! But I’m grateful for these revelations…and YouTube! Haha